From Fear to Friendship
From Fear to Friendship:
Slowing Down, Attunement, and Removing Labels
by Erin Reilly, MA, LPC; Counselor & Clinical Coordinator at Take Heart
August 5, 2024
During my beginning years of working with horses, I encountered an Arabian. And if you know anything about Arabians, you know that they are high-spirited… in other words, very opinionated! Maybe you too have heard the joke… Jesus lived in the land of Arabians, and chose to ride a donkey.
The photo below is a stock image – but I love that it shows the incredible spirit of the Arabian breed.
I’ll take you back a few years to a barn I worked at with a wide variety of horse breeds. During these years I had no idea of the magnitude of horses’ awareness to others and themselves. Like most people, I attributed a horse’s behavior to being “good” or “bad.”
One day, I was cleaning the barn aisle when my manager at the time came barreling through the aisle with a young spitfire of an Arabian. They both jolted through the aisle. I flew back against the wall and the broom came clattering down on the ground. I thought WOAH what in the world is going on with that horse? The barn manager pushed that Arabian in the stall with all her might, yelling every curse word under the sun. I thought, “jeez is he really that bad?” The barn manager came huffing back to me, exasperated, “you have your hands full Erin, that is one stubborn, rude horse!” She walked back to her car, slammed the door and drove away. I stood there in complete shock. Immediately, in my mind I put together “that is a bad horse.” I not only labeled this horse as bad, I put a negative expectation on the horse that it would be a fight every time we worked together. (Now, it makes me feel guilty thinking of the mindset I had then. Oh how I wish I had more grace… more patience towards that terrified Arabian! He was just trying to communicate his fears.)
So every morning, that Arabian and I wrestled. I always saved taking him out to pasture last because I put the expectation in my mind that it would always be a fight. I would get done with every other chore first – meanwhile my body got more tense, and my anxiety increased about what was about to happen. I walked right up to that Arabian about to “show him who’s boss,” demanding he listen to me. Every time, we fought each other to get to his pasture. He ran into me, biting, kicking… and I pushed back, yelling at him to get away.
And you know how I felt after I got him in the pasture? I didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel accomplished. I felt icky, disgusting, mean. Sitting in those feelings made me end the workday harshly. It put me in a tunnel-vision mindset where I only saw and felt the negative. I was aware of the emotions, but because they felt so bad I tried to ignore them. Inevitably, ignoring those emotions did not work. The emotions waited for me and would surface in stressful days, whether that was through having a shorter fuse and yelling, or not wanting to get out of bed.
One morning, I decided to play music during my chores. It was country, but the slow, melodic country that you can dance around the kitchen to. It was one of my final days at work and the Arabian and I had our usual routine ahead of us. However, this time, the Arabian wasn’t dancing around his stall in anxiety. He was calm, eyes relaxed, head low, ears slightly twitching, watching me. I listened to him breathing for a while, opened the door and began to pet him. I moved slower than before. I allowed him to slowly put his head in the halter and with my phone playing music in my pocket, we calmly walked to the pasture. It was the best walk we had together.
Soon after this, I began working at Take Heart full time. As I learned about connected horsemanship, and reflected back on my time with this Arabian, I told myself that the Arabian and I repaired, but maybe Arabian horses weren’t my kind of horse.
But the Lord had other plans. Doesn’t he always?
While interning at Take Heart, I earned the reputation of “treat lady.” Both my coworkers and the horses, if they could speak, knew I always had something tasty with me. In one of my first few weeks, I took a handful of treats to the gelding field. As I turned my back and handed a treat to Noble, it felt as though a large hand took hold of my shoulder. Thankfully I was wearing lots of layers! This giant hand pulled my jacket up into the air. Shocked, I stumbled away. As I looked back there was Remy. Oh Remington, our opinionated young horse. I was told later that Remy has a mixture of Arabian in his breed. My mind quickly drew connections to the last Arabian. In the beginning it hindered my mindset with Remy and I quickly labeled him like the other. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I carried fear from the first Arabian into my new relationship with Remy.
I felt drawn to Remy, and began to work with him often. But it was different this time. I slowed down, I took a moment to remember the last few encounters with the old Arabian and the music. I looked up at the sky and listened for the Holy Spirit to guide me in my work with Remy. I paid close attention to Remy’s needs and allowed him to make requests of me, too. In moving slowly through our work, I was able to show him attunement – proving to him that I listened to him, too. In time, the Holy Spirit showed me that Remy’s behavior was a reflection of my own anger I felt being left out at a young age in grade school. He too wanted treats and to be accepted by his herd and by his human handlers, but didn’t know how to communicate this respectfully. This time I didn’t put a negative label on him or an unfair expectation. I did not want to have that same mindset as the Arabian at my old barn. And by doing this, our connection flourished.
How many times a day do we negatively label someone or something? If I put a label on someone, my mindset about them tends to manifest in reality. If I say someone is rude, I am likely to see only the pushy or loud aspects of their personality. But I might miss what they are really conveying to the outside world. That other Arabian and Remy were not rude, but fearful. They were acting defensively out of their survival brains. Perhaps they were scared because they have been taught people cannot be trusted, people wouldn’t meet their needs, etc. They learned that being big and intimidating kept them safe.
What if instead of labeling and jumping to conclusions, we slowed down? Attune to ourselves – notice our own survival skills trying to protect us by labeling the unknown, the different, the unique, the traumatizing – and then begin to validate our feelings and thank them for trying to protect us. What if, once I’ve noticed and validated these internal happenings, I could make a powerful and healthy choice about how to go forward? If I close myself off from experiencing, communicating, and validating my emotions in a fearful moment I close myself off from a connected relationship. Become curious with those experiences and validate myself AND the other person (or horse).
These spirited horses would teach me to be more vulnerable and less afraid of the scary emotions, and to make connected and healthy choices that ultimately allowed for a deep friendship to form. My relationship with Remy may have started out rocky, but it has grown into a connected, safe relationship where we attune with each other. Each day I am eager to go to work and see his face (as I am the other horses as well). There are moments where we disagree, but we are able to acknowledge those emotions and behaviors quicker and move through them effectively. We do this through validation, reassurance, awareness, clear communication, and slowing down in moments of dysregulation. Because of this work Remy has begun nuzzling, giving kisses, and asking for scratches (by pointing to the itchy spot!) from people as he seeks connection.
Many people have asked how do you improve your relationships? How do I know when to increase my energy compared to decrease my energy? How do I know when to become firmer or gentler and to answer that is to know how to listen to your body. Learn to listen to your intuition and trust your gut. Through the work with the Take Heart horses, I have learned to become attuned. I have learned that attunement to my body means self control, and I have seen it not only improve my relationships with the horses, but the people around me as well.
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