Rupture and Repair
Rupture and Repair: Part 1
by Meagan Good, MA, LPC; Founder of Take Heart
December 19, 2023
There’s never any hurt in the best relationships, right? That’s probably true of relationships once we’re in heaven… but here on earth, “rupture and repair” is the natural cycle of healthy relationships. Something goes wrong, then we make it right. The key part of making this healthy is the repair – we must be committed to the repair in a genuine, authentic way. Because the hard reality is that damage is done during the rupture. And we can’t avoid rupture, because we’re human, so we are bound to make mistakes and inevitably, hurt the ones we love. So repair requires vulnerability and intentionality, and usually a large dose of discomfort.
To avoid the discomfort of repair, we often work really hard to not rupture the relationship: walking on eggshells, avoiding hard conversations, slacking on our own boundaries, protecting their emotions… the list is endless. But the reality is that rupture happens, even if it’s unintentional. We say something thoughtless, we forget something important to the other person, we communicate our boundaries too harshly while we learn to use our voice, we aren’t clear with our expectations in a relationship and disappoint someone, we lose our patience and say something we don’t really mean… again, the list is endless. Rupture is inevitable and unavoidable, even if we try to be kind and genuine people. We’re still human, and we’re going to make mistakes – and sometimes, those mistakes end up hurting someone else.
Ugh, do you hate this as much as I do? I HATE the reality that rupture happens. I try really hard to be kind, respectful, and genuinely love people like Jesus. I’m aware of my own struggles, take responsibility for them, and do my own work on them. And still, rupture happens. I screw up. I hurt someone.
But here’s the redeeming truth about this cycle: repair BUILDS relationship. In fact, a relationship where nothing ruptures will never be very deep – because there never has to be any repair. If nothing ever ruptures, it’s only because there isn’t the genuine risk of vulnerability or authenticity happening. There’s no real intimacy – or “into me, see” happening. The most intimate relationships are where we are truly seen and see the other person in their deepest places. But this is risky – and again, because we are human, we are bound to screw it up. So it’s about being committed to the repair.
Repair is the hard work of earning trust in the relationship. It’s not just the wrong-doer apologizing profusely, or a glib apology thrown out in an attempt to sweep things under the rug and avoid discomfort. Repair is the wrong-doer owning and taking full responsibility for their actions and trying to make things right. It’s sacrificial in that it costs something of the person – they must toss aside their ego and overcome discomfort to genuinely face the issue.
Repair is also the hurt person choosing to offer trust again; the vulnerable decision to enter back into relationship without grudge. It’s not the boundary-less “forgive and forget” that has become so cliché, because forgetting is not really healthy either. Instead, it is choosing to forgive and lean into reconciliation.
Repair is the hard conversation between both parties, as they work out clear communication, fair expectations, emotional safety, healthy boundaries, and offer grace. Repair is not easy, but it is good. It develops our character and our integrity as we live into our values and pursue relationship with those in our lives.
Repair is needed for every rupture – big and small – but the same things are important in the repair, no matter the size or quality of the rupture. For the repair to be made, we need to be seen, heard, and our emotions validated. We need to be trusted and our boundaries respected. We need to be loved and to know that we are valued.
For those who have been wounded in relationship, and have not had someone committed to repair the relationship – the cycle of rupture and repair can feel too risky. It feels safer to stay in the shallows, where there’s never any rupture so there’s never any repair. But there’s never any depth, either. It’s lonely in the shallow end of the relationship pool. We were not created to live alone, but in community.
When people have not proven to be safe, when we don’t have safe and healthy attachments (especially to important caregivers or significant others in our life), we often keep others at a distance. We don’t risk disappointment, hurt, or rupture, by choosing to not make requests in the relationship. This is often seen in relationships where you feel you have to make sure you aren’t a “burden” to the other person. You keep people at a distance by never really letting them see or hear you. You follow their lead and kind of “blend in,” meeting their needs or requests but never asking for anything from them. You may feel close because you may know them well, but you’ve never really let them get to know you. You may even feel like asking for what you need or sharing your preference is pushy, aggressive, or selfish – because you’ve come to believe that taking care of others was more important than taking care of yourself. In protecting yourself from the pain of rupture, you’re also keeping yourself from the nurture of repair.
Stay tuned for more on rupture & repair, and the story of “Anna” and Boone working through repair together.
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