Rupture and Repair: Part 3

This young lady, Sarah (name changed to protect confidentiality), had experienced all of the above. Unbeknownst to me, Sarah was being asked by her mother to lie about the identity of her father, who was not supposed to be in contact with Sarah. One day, her father came to one of our sessions to watch her ride her horse. He was introduced to me as an uncle, and I had no reason to doubt it. Sarah’s interactions with him were slightly guarded and she was a little tense in her interactions with the horse, but I chalked it up to feeling awkward having an observer. We kept our discussion casual and I turned it from more deep or private conversation to Sarah sharing with her “uncle” what she had been learning with the horse she worked with regularly, Charley.

Once she had tacked Charley up and was ready to ride, we walked down to the ring where her “uncle” stood leaning on the fence to watch her ride. As she began to warm up Charley, walking in circles, each time they passed her “uncle,” Charley would side-step in towards the middle of the ring, away from the fence. Still thinking she may just be feeling some performance anxiety about her “uncle” watching her ride, I coached her through some relaxation and grounding work to help her get present with Charley and focused on her connection to Charley over the anxiety. As they approached Sarah’s “uncle” for the fourth time, suddenly Charley bucked – not very big, but enough that it threw Sarah off-balance and she slid off him from the side. Charley took a few steps into the center, then turned around to face her and the man behind her. He clearly wanted to keep both people well in his sight, and not turn his back to them.

I quickly assessed that Sarah was fine physically, just embarrassed. Confused, I wondered what on earth had just happened. This was out of character for Charley, and for Sarah, we done a lot of riding and mindfulness before – so I didn’t feel she did something that explained Charley’s reaction. After seeing she was unharmed, I asked her “uncle” to go back to the car to wait while I worked through what had happened with Sarah on her own. I replaced Charley’s bridle with a halter, tied Charley to a safe place, then returned to Sarah’s side. Sarah began crying and said it was her fault Charley was upset with her. She admitted that she had been lying about the identity of her “uncle” and that the man was really her father, but both parents asked her to lie since her father was not supposed to have contact with her. She explained that her parents were trying to work out their relationship to get back together, which she really wanted.

Inappropriately, this child had been mantled with the responsibility of lying to protect his identity while the adults figured out the legal and custodial part of their relationship and their parenting. The request was unfair, inappropriate, and unsafe. It put pressure on this child that she was unequipped to handle on many levels. Completely aside from the rupture this causes in the parent-child relationship, this situation created such tension within Sarah that it ruptured her relationship with Charley. Once I knew the backstory, Charley’s side-stepping and buck made much more sense: he was responding to the discomfort and tension between Sarah and her father. Charley didn’t trust what he was feeling from the man, who he had no previous relationship, and he didn’t feel safe with the tension he was feeling from the child he thought he could trust. He tried telling us something was wrong, and when nothing changed, he told us in a way we couldn’t miss! There was rupture on both sides: Sarah had lied to Charley, and Charley bucked Sarah off his back.